??[rock 'n' roll music playing]
[women chattering]
[sighing]
you know, I am a substitute teacher.
I would be happy to substitute for your mama while she's in prison.
Thanks, aunt peggy.
But I don't think mama would want anyone to take her place.
Well, unless they took her place in prison.
But I guess that's too much to ask.
We did good, son. It's beautiful .
we did it.
We finished making dad's new workbench.
Look. No splinters.
What should we build first, son?
Well, how about a go-cart?
ok.
First we'll work out the design flaws of your go-cart
by buildin' a t.v. Cabinet.
[laughing hysterically]
mama got out of prison!
[sighing]
oh, I knew it, I just knew it .
I told them medium securit y
would not be enoug h to hold that woman .
oh, she didn't escape.
She was released.
She's coming to visit on saturday.
Ah, she's comin' here?
Oh, I can't wait to tell daddy.
Oh, we're gonna be a family again.
I will tongue-kiss bil l before I let that tramp in my house.
Whoa!
Yeah, I was all set to start on a t.v. Cabinet on saturday,
but it's gonna have to wait a day.
Luanne's mama's comin' to visit.
That woman is a menace to society.
Well, I don't know. I never met the lady, but she did her time.
I tell you what, man. Ain't no dang ol' lady about her.
Gettin' all liquored up.
Comin' on, throwin' up, pawing me like a dang ol' animal .
man, I told her no means no.
Yeah, leanne's bad news, I tell you what.
Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist ga l
until leanne entertained at his bachelor party.
So, he marries leanne,
and after 18 years of drunken hell,
she stabs him with a fork.
hmm!
[screaming]
oh, my foot! I--I think it's broken.
Uh, well, if it's broken, you're gonna have to get that shoe off.
No! No, no, i--I feel better now.
I'm just gonna go on home.
[groaning] don't be silly . Just let me--
What the--
Don't look at me.
I never thought i'd say this,
but I don't think I can finish my beer.
It's some kind of athlete's foot.
I've been usin' this spray for 10 years.
Quick-workin', my ass!
What did the doctor say?
The only person I ever showed my toes to was my ex-wife.
She used them against me in the divorce.
You don't have to be embarrassed about your toes, bill.
It's just a medical condition.
Sure, that's what you say.
But I don't see you waving
your narrow urethra around for everyone to see.
Daddy, give her another chance.
ok.
We're never goin' to be a family again, aunt peggy.
He won't forgive mama.
. Honey, marriag e is about trust
and she...
. Well, she betrayed him
it was like a knif e in his heart
when she stuck that fork in his back.
That was the old mama.
The new mama quit drinkin'.
She won't even eat with a fork.
Oh, luanne, I am just so proud of everything
you've accomplishe d since we took you in.
You're in school, you--you've got a righteou s christian puppet show,
you're always so very clean.
I just do not want you to get distracted and--and lose your way, honey.
Oh, you don't have to worry about me, aunt peggy.
That's my mama's job.
Don't make any sudden moves.
Don't look her in the eye,
and if I give you this signal,
run to dale's hous e and stay there till I say it's safe.
[truck horn honks]
[gasps]
! she's here
mama!
Lu-lu.
Oh, my sweet, baby girlfriend.
[making kissing sounds]
thanks for the lift, alicia.
[grunting]
all right, then.
It's the hill family.
Leanne, how very nice to see you.
Oh, you have such a lovely home here.
Of course, if somebody turned on a fire hose,
. it would all be ruined
uh, right.
Yeah.
[laughs nervously]
so, do you have a job?
no.
And lu-lu said the trailer's wrecked,
. so I guess i'm currently unresidented
why don't you stay here?
Bobby.
Wouldn't you b e more comfortable
e in some kind o f a halfway hous
? or institution
please?
I'll clean up after her.
That's ok, lu-lu.
I am so sorry for all the grief
I caused you when I was drinkin'.
I am walkin' with the lord now,
and I know I have foun d his forgiveness.
. I just hope I will find yours, someday
well, we'll let you know.
[sobbing]
mama, I love you so much.
I love you, too, baby doll.
[sobbing]
we'll get an apartment, mama.
I'll quit school and I'll get a job.
Oh, baby, you mean it?
Ok, then.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you will not quit school.
Leanne, you ca n stay here
until you find a job to support yourself.
Oh, bless you, peg.
I won't even stay in the house, i'll sleep in the garage.
. What? No, my workbench. Y-you can't stay out there
i'll fix it up real nice for you, mama.
Thank you. Thank you.
[sighs]
well, what choice did we have?
(woman over intercom) dr. Escomea, Dr. Escomea, please come to x-ray.
(nurse) norman schwarzkopf.
Uh, yup.
Ok, norman, you have a common toe fungus.
Just take one of these pills every day, and you'll be good as new.
I've been living with this nightmare for 10 years,
and all I got to do is take these pills?
Yeah, that's right.
Now, you gotta take 'em on a full stomach.
Can do.
And absolutely no alcohol.
hmm.
(peggy) how long is she gonna stay here?
I am sick and tired of scrambling around
to find nutritious meals that do not require a fork.
Hey, leanne, how's that, uh,
job search comin' along?
Not so good.
My best reference just went in for chemical castration.
Mama,
I want you to meet my buckley.
Go on. Like we practiced.
hey.
[laughing hysterically]
well, he's just gorgeous.
Ooh, feel these muscles.
I gotta go.
[sighs]
thanks for the ride!
! Look! Twin dresses
I got them for us to wear to our very first
mother-daughter makeover night at the beauty academy.
I will meet you there after your classes tonight.
I'm gonna go shower and shave right now.
Close the door this time.
yup.
Yup, yup, yup, yup. What a great day, huh?
What a great day to be alive.
Hey, who wants to play some hacky sack?
. I do. I'll start
you're a hack.
[laughing]
oh, did you see that?
Where'd it go?
Oh, there, I got it.
Bill, we're all really happy that your toe fungus died,
but we don't want to look at your feet every 5 minutes, ok?
hmm!
Oh, I'm--i'm--i'm sorry.
Well, hi.
You must be luanne's mama, huh?
That's funny.
Most people think me and lu-lu are sisters.
Would you do me?
huh.
Well, don't be shy, i'm runnin' late.
[gasps]
beer. You know how long it's been since I had a drink?
391 days.
I've been sober the whole time.
Well, help yourself.
I was just gonna surprise hank, and leave 'em in his fridge.
I'm not allowed to have any alcohol. Doctor's orders.
Me, either. Court orders.
I can't be around any of my old friends,
'cause all they do is drink.
Mine, too.
I guess you and me are just gonna have to make new friends, huh?
huh.
ow!
[hair dryer running]
[people chattering]
miss platter, where is this mother
you've been going on and on about?
Oh, she's on her way.
Yeah, sure.
] [bill laughing
so, you like being in the army?
Oh, yeah, I love it. I love it.
, They tell us when to get up
what to wear, when to eat.
They take all the guesswork out of livin'.
Well, that's kind of like prison.
The best part was the food, 3 meals a day.
Yeah, us, too.
Did y'all have those meal trays?
Yeah, 5 compartments.
Oh, we only had 4.
Well, that's probably 'cause you were in there to be punished.
Is that clear nail polish?
I just love a man who takes care of his feet.
[laughing]
. you only get 2
well, did you know there's a spot on your foot
that's connected to every part of your whole body?
[gasps] you want me to show you?
You wanna touch my feet?
[moans]
how else can I show you, silly?
[bill moaning]
well, I can just rub these all night.
Oh, I don't know.
Me having my feet rubbed all night by a pretty girl,
and feelin'... ok.
Mornin'.
Morning.
Mornin'.
Good morning. Mornin'.
Hmm, mornin'.
[both gasping]
mornin'.
s Bill, there are some thing
you don't do in another man's garage.
As of right now, leanne is kicked out.
Hey, hank, see, our relationship is just startin'.
It's too soon to ask her to move into my house.
. We'd be movin' faster than the speed of love
please?
[sighs]
all right.
Dangit. At this rate, my new workbench is never gonna get used.
Oh, it got use d last night.
huh?
Right after we took a little ride on your mower.
ahh!
I got so scared when you didn't show up.
I thought you started drinkin' again
and got in an accident or a gun fight.
I am so sorry, honey girl.
I just lost track of the time.
. Forgive me
(hank) please, close the door.
Well, we still have today.
Oh, sorry. Excuse me.
. Oh, me and billy d . Are goin' out to celebrate today
(luanne) but I wanted you to see my puppet show.
See, it's called the manger babies...
Honey.
And it's about the animals that lived in jesus's manger.
Honey-- There's a donkey and--
Honey, honey, honey,
billy is the first good thing to happen to me since I met your daddy.
After all I've been through, don't you want me to be happy?
. Of course I do
well, I knew you'd understand.
[kissing]
[giggling]
I would love to see your show, luanne.
Great.
You can save a seat for mama, in case she changes her mind.
??[wrap it up by jimmy ray vaughn playing]
? I've been watching you for days now, baby ?
? I just love your sexy ways now, baby ?
? You know my love would never stop now, baby ?
? Just put your lovin' in my box now, baby ?
? Wrap it up, i'll take it ?
[inaudible]
? Well, I'm gonna treat you ?
? Like the queen you are ?
? Bring you sweet things from my candy jar ?
? You've got tricks you ain't never used ?
? Give it, give it to me it won't be abused ??
Hey, billy, let's go on down to ugly's and show off how in love we are.
Yeah, I'd like that,
but I'm all tapped out till my next paycheck.
We even spent my mad money.
Well, that's ok.
Foot rubs are free.
You're spoiling me.
You're worth it.
[baby voice] I know that I am.
[baby voice] now lee-lee's magic fingers gonna...
Oh, god! What is that?
What?
Oh! Oh, that's just a little fungus.
So, ahem...
[baby voice] what are lee-lee's magic fingers gonna do?
[coughs]
fungus? How do you get fungus?
Don't need-- Don't worry about it.
As soon as I get paid, i'm gonna get my prescription refilled,
and then it'll clear up just like that.
[baby voice] now, you're not gonna let a little fungus
come between us, are you?
[gagging]
i'll just get some almond oil.
Come and get it.
[groans]
[chugging]
[sighs]
now, normally i'd use a clamp for this,
. but you'll do in a pinch
ok. If you want me to hold it tight, say "t."
If you want me to hold it real tight, say "r.t."
That'll be our system.
All right, "t."
[yelling]
dangit. I need my workbench.
[hank sighing]
what the...
[gasping]
bobby, red alert. Get over to dale's and lock the doors. Move!
Peggy! Peggy, it's leanne. She's--
(peggy) she's right here.
[gasping]
[laughs nervously] uh, hey...
Bill was just inviting us to a barbecue.
why?
I--I mean, what's the occasion?
We're engaged.
It was suppose d to be a surprise!
ow!
[burping]
. I need a smoke
this is the happiest day of my life.
[hank grunting]
uh, bill...
How should I put this?
You know,
leanne's first husband is hiding out on an oil rig in the gulf.
And he swears he's not coming ashore
until I fax him her death certificate.
? Now, what makes you think you're gonna do any better
because she loves me.
Then why did she hit you?
Oh, that--that.
Why, that's just a new love game we made up yesterday.
It's not one of my favorites, but she seems to like it.
This goes without saying, bill,
but just in case it doesn't,
I am sayin' that you all cannot live in my garage.
Nope. She's movin' in with me today.
My house is big enough for the 2 of us.
Maybe even more.
[laughing]
[shudders]
hey, aunt peggy. Look what I got.
What did you do?
Mama's gonna love it.
Uh-uh. I will not have you running around
all glammed up like phyllis diller.
. You're not my mama
. mama's my mama
luanne, you are never gonna see her for what she is.
Well, I am sorry, but I have not got time for the pain.
The next time that woman breaks your heart,
I am not gonna be waiting there to say I told you so.
? Why won't you give mama a chance
she just really needs us to believe in her.
I believe in her, luanne.
I asked her to marry me.
[gasps]
you're gonna marry mama?
[laughs]
this is like a fairytale.
I'm gonna call you "stepdaddy bill."
aw.
You see, aunt peggy?
I'm not the only one who thinks mama can change.
[giggling]
oh, they grow up so fast.
[glass breaking]
(leanne) oh, you stupid, fat,
. [glass breaking] stupid, ugly, son of..
. It's just unbelievable
every time, I find somebody like you.
[groaning]
hey, hey, hey, fellas.
What happened to your eye?
Eye, oh, eye!
Oh, that! That--that's an interesting story.
Uh, you know what? I was walkin', I was walkin',
and I walked into a door.
Wait a minute. How is that interesting?
I'm hungry. Where's the bride-to-be?
. Oh, she'll be out soon
she just has the pre-engagement party jitters.
Some kind of damn jitters.
Well, hey, everybody,
welcome to the party.
Hey, here she is.
Whoo! Let's get it on!
Oh, no! What should we do?
Well...
I am going to go close up the mustard before it crusts.
If you'll excuse me.
[sighs]
ok, if she gets out of hand, i'll go high, you guys go low.
I'm ready for her. Pepper spray.
50 percent capsicum.
Mama, maybe you should eat somethin'.
Well, where's the damn food?
Did fungus-for-brains already gobble it all up?
[laughs] gobble up, yeah.
[burping]
[yells]
[gasps]
??[music playing] hey, boys, she's back.
Give it up for lee-lee. Whoo!
Poor bill.
His woman is makin ' a fool of him.
It happens.
Mama, please.
Will you quit calling me that?
I might be 34...
Whoo!
Look at these!
[dale shuddering]
(leanne) hello, righty. Hello, lefty.
Say hi, everybody.
I want to go home.
Thank god.
hey!
[sobbing]
well, come on, stud, show me some love!
Help! Get this skank off me!
[grunting]
fork!
You pimply little...
[screaming]
excuse me, ma'am, but that was my fork.
Poor peggy. She's dead.
Leanne, whether you like the title or not,
you are this girl's mother.
She has been waiting her whole life
for just a shred of attention from you.
But you don't know how to return even a fraction of the love
that you get from your child, or from your man.
I hope someday you can live without alcohol.
But until that day,
we can all live very nicely without you.
[gasping]
[crying] peggy, thank you for that.
I'm sorry.
I've been actin' pretty foolish, everyone.
You can let go of my hand.
[screaming]
[gasping]
hank, get her off of me! Hank!
[leanne shrieking]
[coughing]
[all screaming]
hank! You had better get her off of me!
I kicked your brother's as s and I will kick yours, too, sissy.
Well, there's one thing that you didn't count on.
My brother has got size 6 feet, but I don't.
Oh, yeah!
[grunting]
[all cheering]
(dale) you kicked her ass.
(hank) go, peggy.
Come on, luanne, let's get outta this dump.
Uh-uh.
[crying] oh,
you think you're better than me, huh?
Fine! Then I ain't your sister no more!
[crying]
[tires squealing]
[bill clearing throat]
well, I guess we can start eatin'.
You can't just let her steal your truck, bill, you gotta call the police.
No, I think the best thing to do is just let her go.
If she doesn't come back, it means we were never meant to be.
And if she does come back, well, then...
Then I'll call the police.
(bobby) you kicked her ass, mama.
. (peggy) yes, I did
but she's a better dancer.
You do not know that.
(luanne) what should I do about Mr. Dauterive?
He keeps introducing me as his daughter .
well, the parental bond is extremely strong,
even if it's not real.
You know, the aunt-niece bond is even stronger.
I think so, too.
Twin sisters may have the strongest bond .
hmm, especially if they're attached at the head.
Uh-huh .
and next would be the aunt-niece bond.
Oh, yeah.
Strongest is the aunt-niec e attached at the head.
Well, I don't know how that would happen,
but, yes, that would be very, very strong.